quack quack

Eeee I'm waiting for Sims 3 to install on my laptop!! Last night Carlo was playing Left 4 Dead on his Xbox. LOL it was so scary and funny. Sometimes we have nothing to do but watch episodes of Arrested Development and play video games killing zombie mutants, and also playing with the cat. The cat is like our baby and so far it's been spoiled :/ It makes me wish I had Michiko here. I still miss that cat.

This year I've been to a lot of gigs and events. I feel soo happy and blessed to have someone who actually accompanies me to.. everywhere. Lol. But to be honest.. there's a lot of moments where I keep thinking "How I wish my friends were here too" and "ooh I know ____ would enjoy this" etc.

Anyway, time shall tell what will happen to all of us. I want to keep the people in my life, and I hope to be 'kept' as well. During the last couple of years I've had reunions with my childhood and high school best friends whom I haven't seen since I was in my early teens, and it was an incredible feeling. To be able to reconnect and reminisce, having no judgment towards each other. I was pretty much a nerd back then, and I guess I didn't exactly take the straight path to finish my schooling. But I'm proud of my accomplishments and I know that we cannot really compare ourselves to other people.

..augh it's still not finished installing @_@ I think I'm gonna make m'self some pancit canton now.

I don't know what to say. Sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down, sometimes with reasons and sometimes there are none. Like today I woke up with a grim heart coz I was having bad dreams about school and death. Also I got reminded of previous pains, being shunned and rejected.

But last night was fun, I went out with my cousins & friends to celebrate a birthday. Went to eat at a high-end sushi place and had karaoke and then bubble tea afterward. Max & Camille just got back from the Philippines so they told stories about their vacation.

I didn't wake up early enough to go to Willingdon Church this morning, the service is starts 8:30. I feel stressed because of school, there are so many medications to memorize and I'm starting to feel discouraged and swamped. I'll just have to try harder. At least my boyfriend is very supportive in everything that I do. He's really great, I feel very lucky.

Lately there's been more anxiety over things I don't have control over. I know about emotional intelligence but I guess it's something that cannot be applied all of the time. I don't want to feel bad anymore. What do I have to do..

Sunset here nowadays falls at 8:30 and during the peak of summer there will still be sun at 10pm. I'm still amazed by that. All the hues of pink and orange, one minute's art is different from the next. Next month we're going cherry-picking again at Kelowna. I remember last year we picked like 6 buckets of cherries, THE best cherries I've ever tasted. Soo juicy and just the right sweetness.

Btw next year at the end of Feb, we're planning to go to Hong Kong. I plan to meet up with the old gang there, since we've been planning an out-of-the-country trip for ages. I also want to bring my sister. Besides, Blsm is there in HK and she already said she's going to be the tour guide.

In other news, I've been taking daily hormone pills since the start of this month and it's making me all emo. Haha. Especially at night time. Maybe that kinda explains my hypersensitivity and feelings of woe last week. Or at least it was an added factor to my spiked emotionality. Yup, that's right, I don't plan to have kids yet, but definitely within 2 years I should have a likkle bebe on the way. I am soo excited~ I'll be 27 or 28 by then, and it should be the perfect time for me?

Arg.. stomach is rumbling. Hungry! Hehe last night I cooked cheese-and-jalapeno gourmet sausages and rice and opened a can of pork-n-beans. I told Carlo it's a homecooked meal and he really liked it. The last time I cooked for him was.. hmm.. Ah yes, I cooked sinigang and he liked that too. He really loves Filipino food now, he says.

PS. My skin has been clearing up too! Thanks, pill. Goodbye pimples.

Last Sunday we went to church with Carlo's mom at Willingdon. It was a nice church, much bigger than the congregation I'm used to. There was a choir and a lot of musicians.. I think we'll come back tomorrow.

In other news, my cat is now living with the boyfriend, permanently. It's nicer there coz Aurelie (Awie) can roam outside whenever she wants.

We're planning to get that new android google phone. I was never a fan of cellphones.. I'm guilty of being a slow responder to texts. Lol. Maybe the new phone will motivate me? We'll see. Then again, I'm also slow when it comes to replying to emails.

My mom made super yummy fruit salad. It makes me miss the Philippines.

My sister graduated last night from high school (grade 12) and I'm very proud of her. After the (rather long) ceremony, we went to celebrate at a Chinese hotpot restaurant.

In other words, I still don't like wearing jewelry! *Hint: I should be wearing the one I got when he proposed last month. :) Then again, this is old news. Haha. I feel happy and blessed.

I guess when you've been terribly happy for a prolonged period of time, the day comes when you just feel crummy and stripped of whatever joy you were feeling. This is going to be cryptic and vague, with all the original goodness of JoizStyle Journaling. Heh. I haven't felt this hurt by a friend since C*, which was more than a year ago. The worst part is, nobody wins, really. What happened here? I just wanted to talk to her.. but instead.. all I saw was a string of hurtful remarks about our friendship. Clearly my fault was: not being there when she needed me. If I hadn't left the country, maybe I could've been a better friend? I should have listened more. Unfortunately, she also has some misconceptions about me and my intentions. How can she say that I didn't care? I think that's what hurt me the most.. I did care, and I still do.. With all my errors and absences, with all the distraction and misunderstandings.. where are we now?

All my "shoulda woulda coulda" does not matter at this point. I just want her to be happy. She truly deserves it. She knows what's best for her, and I truly wish her well. I can't deny how hurt I feel, but yeah.. I'll get over it. It's not about me. This is about my friend that I still care about. Well.. in the end, we simply cannot expect perfect outcomes.

Blindness and insensitivity are my biggest faults. And I refused to believe that giving gifts meant insulting someone's pride. For me.. they were just simple gifts from the heart.. a chance for me to show my care and remembrance. I've always been this way and I can't change the way I am. I've always liked helping out, what can I say.. I thought it was a good idea.

What's done is done. I wasn't "there" for her, so I can't expect her to be supportive of me. I hope someday she realizes that I did try hard to be a good friend to her. And maybe she'll forgive me for my stupid mistakes.

So far I'm doing really well in school! Grades are high. The next 12 days are going to be very stressful and busy coz of all the exams and project reports. Luckily, I get a week off before I start my first clinicals at Belvedeere, which is a nursing home for old folks. It's more than an hour commute going there, and another hour coming back.. and my shift will be 9 hours daily. I'm pretty darn excited.

I finally received my No Doubt download! It's their complete digital collection, all the albums. Pretty sweet. I can't wait to see them live in July. Was it July? Yeah I think so.. Ohh and at the end of this month I'm gonna watch Les Miserables. It's gonna be amazing, for sure. I'll bring tissues..

Speaking of which, ever tried those tissue papers with Vicks in em? hehe.. It's nice for when you have a runny nose. I eat seaweed everyday. I think I'm addicted. It's salty and yummy. I saw Crank II in the theater with my bro & sis. Twas pretty funny, and had lots of boobage and killings. Btw my msn isn't working :( It stopped working ever since my anti-virus ran out. What do I do??

The other night I was chatting with Rami on msn and he showed me a youtube video of his daughter; incidentally, I think this video is now back to its private setting and is once again un-viewable. He's still very private and protective. He also showed me a link to this lovely french song Y'a du Monde. We haven't spoken in months, so it was nice to see him again.

Guess what I'm "not" doing right now. I'm supposed to be working on my research paper.. Conflict Management. Who am I supposed to write about? I've been evading interpersonal conflict for the past 25 years. I don't like confrontation.. Should I just make something up? Aughh this paper is due a couple of days from now.

In other news, my phone is broken. I don't recall dropping it.. what a crappy phone. Hehe. Time to use my cute old nokia, the black one from Abu Dhabi.

Btw Jehan is back from London! Yay~




PS. A few days ago, b53 and spartacus decided to (very out of the blue) drop me a line on Facebook. What is this, Be Haunted By Ex's Week? ..Not that they are my ex's. Lol disclaimer plz.

So a few days ago Carlo and I were in the kitchen of the old house he's moving out of. I was cleaning the counter top when he approached me from behind and took my other hand, telling me not to turn around and just give him my hand. I squirmed and struggled and automatically thought he was up to no good again, he tends to be quite mischievous. I told him, please don't taser me. Coz he does own a taser. Finally I relaxed my hand.. And he gave me this huge ring! Haha. This old ring that he crafted himself I'm not sure how many years (decades?) ago. Lol. It has green, red and white stones to resemble the flag of Italy. He said "will you marry me?" with half a straight face and I said yes and I told him that this was proposal #2. Anyway, it was very funny that the ring wouldn't fit any of my fingers, not even my thumb. And it could barely fit on his pinkie. Suffice to say his hands are much larger than mine.

Anyway. I'm really happy, in the here and now. Spring is here, I'm getting high grades in school, I laugh a lot.. Ah, I figured it's time to change my journal layout. Ducky.

The real me is secluded, withdrawn, quietly happy, apathetic, blank, and I'm afraid to say, melodramatic. I'm comfortable like this, why do I have to change? I think I'm being resentful because I stopped writing last year, when I moved here. I stopped documenting my thoughts and feelings, especially the murky ones. What's wrong with writing about my dark thoughts?

I wish I could feel more free, in every aspect. I'm blessed because with this body, I am free of disabilities. My mind is brilliant and with my imagination, I am free and limitless. Financially, I am definitely not free at the moment, because school has drained my savings and I am jobless. Emotionally, I'm free to love and receive love. Spiritually, I am burdened and torn. I believe in God, I believe in heaven and earth, my values are generally that of the Christian way. I'm far from perfect and I don't usually voice out my beliefs when it comes to religion and whatnot. I don't believe in preaching.. partly because I'm scared of.. rejection? Embarrassment? But mainly because I believe that faith is a personal thing, and I don't have a need to explain myself to anyone. This is between me and my God. He alone will judge me.

It doesn't matter anymore, if people will think I'm nuts, etc. Today I felt a jolt, an awakening.. Something's not right, and I can't be fully free in my mind, until I sort out myself. ..And then I think.. it's not fair, not fair at all. How can everyone else not care about (ie.) having kids outside of wedlock, promiscuity, etc. How bout all the people I know who had kids in their teens? Why do I have to be burdened by this unfailing conscience, the burden of knowing that things aren't 'morally' right. It's not fair. The non-believers, do they feel more free? To do whatever they want.

I tried hard, I really did. This is mid-2007 all over again, questioning my values, the strength of my faith. Bottom line is.. my problem has no easy solutions. Hmm, the lump inside my throat hasn't gone away since last night. I wish.. my mind would free me.. stop feeling guilty about displeasing my parents, etc.

Nonetheless, I'm thankful for the very happy past few months, it's been amazing. I didn't think I could stay happy for that long, considering how morose I can be. I owe it mostly to my successful relationship, all the fun times. Fun and substantial.. Hmm.. Lastly, I'm really sorry for the stupid things I said or implied lately (about.. that..). Rest assured I'm not going to bring it up again. *smirk*

Eeeeeee. Not sure, maybe it's coz of all the ascorbic acid I've been taking (approx 3000mg daily) but I am so giddy and happy and wake up very.. chirpy. And today I find my intuition at a sharp incline. I got 26/25 in my quiz on Anatomy & Physiology. Oh wait, before that.. so this morning I woke up thinking about my friends, particularly Brian, Sasa, Jun and Anna. I think of them oftentimes, but this morning when I awoke they were already on my mind.

Morning thoughts continued as follows: We are all flawed, many times it's easier to see other people's faults, easier to point out how they can solve their problems, etc. Then I started thinking, hmm I got good friends, they have noble and admirable qualities. Then I proceeded listing them in my head (mind you, this is me, fresh out of a stupor) as in Brian is trustworthy and loyal, and he won't let you hang. Jun is very reliable and resilient, very responsible and knows a lot about cool things. Anna is profound and diligent and sacrificing. Sasa is creative and devoted and knows how to cheer me up. These traits, among many others.

About that intuition thing, I was looking up the Canadian actor Chenier Hundal randomly, coz I wanted to see one of his films. He's a friend of an acquaintance, I had the pleasure of meeting both of them last year. What a coincidence, out of nowhere, this acquaintance texted me earlier this evening. I didn't see it until now.

Another intuition thing, I was in school earlier when I decided to text Jacq, and also Syn, coz I'd been thinking about them. Suddenly, when I got home, I got an email from Jacq! (She rarely emails) and so I asked if she emailed coz I'd texted her, she said nope she never even got my text. Lol. Anyway. She's getting married this month! Woop woop~ On their 6th year anniversary of being together. Aww.

Meanwhile, Carlo and I celebrated our 3rd month a few days ago. We're both ill, and even my cat is ill. Hehe. But we three are recuperating quite well. Look at me. I can barely speak a couple of sentences without coughing thrice (ew, phlegm) but I wanna BREAKDANCE! Giddy giddy.

I recently discovered I like olives. Am I turning Italian?

I miss him. I miss him. But I think he's still in his cave.

I'm at home, sick. Was having chills last night and woke up several times, having strange dreams about going up some dark stairwell with my two sons named Ethan and Ivan who looked kinda Chinese, and they were so cute and I felt so motherly in my dream.

My nose is runny and coughing makes my chest and stomach hurt, I just hope I'm better tonight so that I can go to school tomorrow. My head goes pound-pound-pound whenever I go outside in the cold. It's sunny and snowing at the same time.

Telemarketers call my cell. ..*sneeze*

Today was great. Waking up in a comfy bed.. Comfy arms and scent. I wish I could have more mornings like that.

School's good too, I find myself enjoying it. I have a big quiz tomorrow in Anatomy and Physiology, I haven't started studying yet coz I'm tired from cooking and dishwashing. My sister said she liked the dish I invented.

So tonight I wanted to go to that animated short films thing at Rio Theatre but my brain tells me it's best to rest at home and study well. I feel a bit bad for not going with Carlo after he'd invited me out. I think I've felt this way before, a few times. It's nobody's fault. I know he wants to share the movie experience with me, and I know it'll be awesome, but the thing is I can't enjoy that much when I know there's something that I need to be doing, like studying or getting enough rest. I told this to him and I know he understands me, as he always does.

Ok next topic. I've been told that this journal (or some entries, at least) are written as if they're geared towards an audience. Well I can't deny that, sometimes I do feel like I'm writing specifically for an audience. There are almost 200 people on my 'friends of' list but I know of maybe only 3 people who read my stuff on a semi-regular to regular basis. I'm not really writing for them, but for myself, which is also why I don't publish my entries and I keep them backdated. I admit, there are many times when I've censored myself, but only coz this is publicly accessible and I was told by a friend a long time ago that I should refrain from getting too personal here.

The thing is, I've always had a dark air in the way I write, and it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a weeping neurotic weakling or something. Yeah I tend to get dramatic and innately cryptic, and probably even bitterly defensive. That's just the way I write.

Anyway, I'm going to study now. I'm aiming for 100% tomorrow. There are no re-takes and passing grade is 70%. Ooh I'm excited to buy my stethoscope! And white nurse shoes.

An odd hour of the day; I intend to go back to sleep. In the meantime, let me update this dust-gathering online journal.

So I've come to realize that I've changed a lot over the past 10 years. A whole lot. Certainly, that's mostly a good thing, and I'm proud to say that I'm making good progress on the path to maturity. I'm not as depressive or self-destructive, not as obsessive and dark. Maybe nowadays I'm too busy to be obsessed with anything or anyone. I also find myself enjoying life and just going with the flow.

On the other hand, I find myself to be less caring, less conscientious as a student, more complacent and lazy.

I would say that I'm in an awesome time in my life right now, even though I have no income and no time to go on a long-ish vacation for at least a year. I did have a lot of fun during my recent trip to the Philippines, which I totally do not regret. Seeing my friends and relatives was well worth it, and I am so grateful to still have that feeling of warmth and belonging.

I love being 25. I have fewer 'down' cycles and generally I feel healthy and happy. I think being with Carlo is hella exciting and fulfilling. Never a dull moment when we are together. I don't know how long this high will last, we've been officially together for almost 3 months but it feels that I know him very well. Uh prolly because we see each other almost everyday. He tells me that it feels like I'm his first girlfriend, even though he's had a few girlfriends before. Hmm.. maybe this is the real thing. ♥

Anyway, so I found an old chat log from April 2000, and it was so.. stupid. I was new to the internet and had fallen prey.. It's all funny now, but back then it was so real and a big source of both emotional 'happy swelling' and distress. Why was I so gullible? Ugh. At least now I can laugh at the past.. I'm too lazy to upload the log, hm btw this was brought about by an email from Yahoo Inc, telling me that they are shutting down Yahoo Briefcase. So I opened my Yahoo Briefcase, lo and behold, I have an old log saved there from 2000.

In other news, OMG I have gotten my paws on 2 tickets to watch No Doubt's concert in July here in Vancouver! Official ticket sales start March 7 but I'm a member of their tour fan club so I was able to reserve tickets. I'm very excited about this. It's on a Saturday, so I won't miss any classes.

Ok that's it for now, I should try and go back to sleep, I need to wake up in a few hours to go to the gym.

What was I talking about having a week that's not busy? Ain't true, apparently. I don't even know what to do first, my to-do list is intimidating. I need to prepare for my impromptu trip to Manila, and possibly even Baguio. Lots of school requirements and visits to the doctor, entrance exams, organizing my finances, house cleaning, dating and going to the gym, vet appointments, looking for a part-time job, etc. Plus I need to take care of these radios that I was assigned to sell on eBay. Ah, now that I remember it, I shall go and de-worm my cat.

..done. And so, I need to seriously save for the future. I'm paying for my studies and that'll cost at least $23,000. With a part-time job, I won't be able to support myself and so I must continue living here at my parents'. Must reduce expenses especially eating out and shopping. Carlo and I have a lot of fun doing whatever, we're both very low-maintenance. I really love spending time with him, I feel safe around him, not to mention happy and proud. We hang out almost daily and it's getting ridiculous, but we can't seem to get enough of each other. Ah well. Now that I'll be gone for at least a week, I'm sure I will miss him.

Speaking of my trip, I am soo excited to see my friends again. This makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

Well today was interesting. Carlo basically said he'll marry me anytime. My team mates at work surprised me with a big cake with white and pink icing, and written on it is "We'll think of you every time the phone rings." when I didn't even tell people that I was leaving my job. My last day is tomorrow. I was soo surprised when they held a meeting and I thought it was something serious and suddenly there was this cake and a card that they all signed. I was touched. Considering I'm not close to most of my team mates, just a few of them. My two bosses were great too. So yeah, tomorrow's my last day working at eBay.

My period is very.. free-flowing. Eheh sorry. My head hurts a lil, like I've lost a lot of blood. But I am very happy and I feel loved.. Light-headed headache-y.

In other news, I'm still going to the gym a lot. I eat steak like a man, and I watch MMA. Fedor! But I wear stockings and high heels. On Wednesday I have another doctor's appointment in the morning and then in the afternoon I have a 3-hour English Benchmark Placement test thingy. By next week I should be less busy.

I haven't abandoned this journal! Life's been quite eventful and I just don't go online that much anymore. It was Rami's bday on Jan 12, Nico's bday yesterday, and Carlo's bday is on Friday. Hrmm. My love-life has been pretty awesome since I met Carlo. Everyday is an adventure, he treats me really well and we get along, in our own quirky little world. Sure, he has his imperfections, as I do. All I can say is that despite the age gap, I'm really happy to be with him, and I'm proud to be his girlfriend.

In other news, I've quit my job and my last day is Jan 27. I have a series of dental and doctor appointments which started this morning. Doctor, because my health is once again being plagued.. It's too personal to talk about here. I'm fine, and dealing with it quite well. I just don't like the drugs' side effects, as usual. I've been through this before so at least I know what to expect. Also, I've been going to the gym thrice a week and my body is stronger and more toned.

My cat is so funny and vicious. She's a darned liability but she entertains me and the whole family, so it's all good. I'll have to bring her to the vet when I have time.. This room is such a mess, that's another thing I don't have time for.. cleaning..

I MISS MY FRIENDS. Sigh. I prolly won't be able to go back to the Philippines this year, which saddens me. The money that I was supposed to use for buying a plane ticket had to be used for something else more urgent. Besides, I'm gonna be a bum soon and I have a cat that depends on me, lol. When I have some money I'll go visit my friends back home..

I'm gonna write sentences about the latest events in my life, which may or may not be inter-related: Today at church it was my dad who gave the sermon, and it was about forgiveness. I finished my Biology upgrade and got 100% in the final exam. I spent 24 hours with Carlo doing random stuff such as hauling at least 6 enormous bags of plastic bottles, cans, etc from my garage to his car, to the bottle depot. We ate at this huge Chinese restaurant and had super yummy dimsum, and the banquet-style reminded me of a recent dream, it's like I dreamt of the place before I even went there. I have a new haircut, as finally I've found a Japanese hair salon. My hair looks fabulous, I think. My cat has many nicknames, every member of the family has a nickname for her. The cat is getting more hyper and playful, and I have all the cuts and scars on my hands/arms to prove it. I've been texting Rami but I'm not sure if he's receiving it; my phone tells me it's been delivered though. Hmm I need to take the cat to the vet. Ah! It's been snowing! This is my first 'real' winter. I went to the Animation Show at Vancity theatre, which was so awesome and psychedelic. For some reason, I kept thinking about Rami and Syn, knowing that they would enjoy the show too. Series of short films, mostly French-made and British-made, that are of different animated styles. Very funny and deeply intelligent, to the point of being all.. um.. drugged up? Yeah I guess it's hard to explain, you'd have to watch it. Preferably on the big screen, like I did. Btw Jun if you are reading this, please add me on plurk, as I dunno how. Petjelly. And to Brian, I hope your birthday went well. I'm sure you enjoyed the dancing midgets I sent ya. To finish off this paragraph, I bought one of Gwen Stefani's Harajuku eau de toilette, and it smells divine. ^_^

Can I just say how happy I am? :D Carlo is awesome. I am so excited to get to know him even more. It's almost as if we are addicted to each other. We talk way too much everyday, and see each other like every other day. Last night we had an all-nighter watching movies. So nice to spend time with him. Again, I am not talking about sex or anything like that. I'm so pleased to have found someone so similar to me and my way of thinking, same adventure-seeking mindset. Feeling relaxed and just enjoying the moments. This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Yaaay~ Finally I have a kitty cat~ She is so cute and funny. I've been trying to take pics but there are no good ones yet. Once I have a few acceptable photos I'll post them here for sure.

I went out last night with Carlo, second time to hang out. He picked me up at school. He's so nice! Not bad-looking, either. We had fun getting lost driving around. We ate at this really cool Asian-themed restaurant in downtown Vancouver. The food was excellent. We had deep-fried sushi, then spring rolls with dip and squid with spicy Thai sauce with lime. Yummy.

So far.. He listens to everything I say, laughs at my jokes, compliments me (even told me that my hands were pretty), he is patient, texts me all the time, "rides along" with my crazy ideas (we even had a few days wherein we were talking through text by writing haikus only, lol) and he doesn't pressure me in any way whatsoever. The most adorable thing about him is that he blushes. HE BLUSHES. A grown man (1978 year of birth) with cheeks that turn red. Disarming, huh. We're both shy, actually..

There's really nothing romantic going on between us, and that's how I like it.. For now. Coz I just need someone I can hang out with, go to places with.. that kind of thing.

So I've been very busy lately with work, school, housework and my cat. Work is not very enjoyable lately, and today I'm feeling a bit ill. I hope I don't get sick, as you know.. I hate being absent from work.